grace

By the grace of God and all you wonderful people who have deposited into my ‘life account,’ I am celebrating 3 years of continued sobriety today. Thank You.
Three years ago today I surrendered. Enough pain. Enough hurting. Enough taking. Enough. I was done being miserable and alone. The point of desperation can be absolutely beautiful. For me it was the difference between a clenched fist and a open hand. I began to be in the question of, “who do I want to be?”
I want to be a quiet, non-judgemental listener.
I want to be somebody’s true friend.
I want to be someone with a sensitive sense of humor.
I want to be my kids’s Mom.
I want to be my Husbands’ wife.
I want to be compassionate.
I want to be responsible for my happiness.
I want to be in concscious contact with God 364 days out of the year. (I need one day to throw fits)
I want to be sober.
Someone once said, ‘You cannot be a NOT, so figure out what you want to be.’ That’s what I’m embarking on- the journey of being and doing. The last 3 years have been good to me and my family. The first year of sobriety I had the midas touch- everything I tried I succeeded at. It was a great introduction to living sober. The second year was more challenging- everything did not go my way and the real lemon juice of my spirituality came through. I had to work at staying emotionally sober. The third year brought so much change. The biggest change being the loss of Janet. When she passed in September, the thought of doing ‘it’ without her seemed unlikely. Unbearable even. If Janet we’re here today we’d be singing each other ‘Happy Birthday’ and exchanging funny cards. Today is her birthday too. But by the grace of God I found another sponsor to work with and the work we do together is absolutely life changing. I owe it to Janet to keep trudging. So I do. And what I’m finding out is this; my primary purpose in life is to be of the utmost service to God and to those around me. Simple idea. The work it takes for me to be ‘of maximum’ service is sometimes uncomfortable. sometimes its beautiful. Most of the time it means being wrong. Janet once posed this very question, “would you rather be right, or happy?” I didn’t know. It depended on the amount of pain I was suffering. If it wasn’t too bad- I’d most definitely like to be right instead. I still struggle in the area of winning the argument. Sometimes down to the minute. (In the middle of your story, “No, you’re mistaken. It wasn’t 2:30, it was 2:36. You’re welcome.) Jeeez. Its no wonder some people have stopped calling me. A life of being wrong has given me freedom- Its hard to translate this into words sometimes but lets just say, today I’d rather be happy…most of the time.
They used to tell me, “don’t quit before the miracle happens,’ now that the miracles happened they tell me to, ‘just stay.’ I’m going to go out on a limb here and ask you to ‘stay.’ He’s not finished with me yet.