I first began writing publicly on here when I was in my first year of recovery. I needed a place to set the ice cube tray out and let the sloppy mess unfold. I needed some place to share myself and meet myself and connect with people. Entering into my ninth year anniversary and this is still that for me. It strikes me tonight to say a blessing for the gifts that have been freely shared with me over the years. And just as I tell my children, LOVE is the most powerful force in the Universe, I can safely say to you that this has truly been the thing that has tethered me to some sort of path of walking and belonging. A spiritual escapade was never my intention I just DIDN’T WANT TO HURT ANYMORE. So people suggested I not poison my body with alcohol and drugs anymore-just as an experiment you know to see if that might change a few things. Oh man! Just NOT drinking helped significantly. But here’s the other sorta tricky part alcohol wasn’t my problem it was my solution to all the fear and all of the pain. So while not drinking was indeed a very good idea it wouldn’t be enough. I returned to a faith. And started following suggestions. That worked wonders! But then someone very special to me died of cancer when I still VERY much needed her with me! That made me question this so called LOVE that would do something so heinous to a person so good. God didn’t save Janet… At least not long enough for my liking. But truth be told I think Janet would agree that God had already saved her many, many times before. As a child I remember these strange stories I’d get in my head just before bed. I was convinced I’d wake up abandoned by the whole world. The lone survivor of a terrible tragedy that left me alone to walk the planet. So I’d bargain with God and say ‘if you let them all live again I’ll do whatever you want, just please don’t take them.’ Morning would come and I’d be convinced God was real. So, when I got the call that morning informing me Janet had passed well, I just wasn’t so sure anymore. A whole lot of time has passed and not just numerically. More accurately measured by emotional wallops and topsy turvy spiritual sputtering, I find myself growing in the very things that scare me the most. It sounds cheesy and stereotypical but my story is the only one I have.
Mother Theresea said we could change the world by loving one person at a time. Well, in Recovery I have found this to be true. I started with one Keith Urban loving woman named Janet. I chose to entrust in her all my deepest darkest fears about ME. I told her everything and anything. I called her several times a day that first year. And I don’t know that it changed the world however I do know IT CHANGED MINE.
So this is what I know, start with one. Pick one person to make a beginning with. Someone to hear your craziest stories and darkest fears someone to see your high highs and love you in your low lows. Someone who will take everything you have shared with them and lock it away in the vault of their own being. Safe guards to your most vulnerable and intimate workings. That way when someone else sees and hears and knows you they can truly reflect back the truth. Which is: YOU WERE MADE PERFECTLY IN THE IMAGE OF LOVE. To be seen then, IS to be loved. And for me, loved was all I was ever searching for.
What started with one continues WITH MANY. I am beyond grateful for a life FULL of people who walk alongside me. And a deeper understanding of God as I understand. True love says; I love you because I love you.. because I love you. Love’s job is complete in the job description. Thank you God for a million times I thought the sky was falling and you orchestrated an umbrella… after each step God, a rainbow a promise a nudge that you are REALLY REAL.