Hat wearn’n

Life has given me many opportunities lately to practice being a grown up.  Don’t let the mini-van fool you. Most of the time I believe most of us are wingin’ it-doing the best we can with what we have for that day.  And very plainly I have needed to ask myself and others, what would a responsible adult do right now? 

If I am not awake, my 13 year old self seizes the command center and I start spinning out. My old worn out no good habits resurface and I feel hungover inside my soul about life and the predicament I am most surley in. It gets dark, confusing and the fear is paralyzing. 

Why don’t they make those BABY ON BOARD signs for humans?!  Then people could back off a few feet while my teenager is driving. 

The pity pot. I find this located in the corner of my couch. It my self pity station. I go there to do my best stinking-thinking. I was sitting there just yesterday lamenting about the state of things when I got a hilarious laugh out loud text message. I couldn’t help but laugh. And laughter, like children, has a way of pulling me off of the pot and into the NOW. From the other side of the room I could see my “problems” weren’t all that bad, some not even REAL. Even more of them could not be fixed or changed in that moment, especially not while I am sitting on the couch scrolling Instagram.  It’s like the monsters under the bed, no one can tell their child the monsters aren’t real and leave it at that….no, because: THEY FEEL REAL. THEY ARE REAL TO ME!  We have to turn on the lights, open all the doors and  look under the bed. 

A community of hand holders and light bearers can make the difference between hours and months of misery. Thankfully I am well stocked. To you, thank you. 

This phase of developing new attitudes, new responses, new tapes to play in the background- it just takes time. And that part can be really frustrating when you have the patience of a house fly. For myself I am finding it more of a weeding process than a watering job.  That will change. It all will… given enough time.  For now, I marvel at all the hats entrusted to me: Mom hat, there are two; fun mom and serious mom, Wife hat, daughter, sister, friend, auntie, cousin, messanger. It can be confusing/exhausting “It’s a lot of this on-again off-again hat sh*t,”as my dear ol Ali said.  Mostly we just get to be where we are naked in our humanness. In our un-understanding. No special hat required for this one. 

But just for fun 

 

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