Today has been a tough day in the turning it over department.
Hobbs was born with more than just an extra chromosome, he also came with three holes in his heart. All things considered, he’s been a picture of health. Today though, we learned that things had changed. Change. That ugly/beautiful word. It seems there is an over circulation problem happening inside that tiny peanut shaped body. One that requires our immediate attention and action. First, we administer the medicine prescribed . Secondly, we set a date. That’s it. This is all we can do for now. We know that something is wrong with our baby and all we can do is give him some medicine and hugs. Easy to understand why we here in the department are a little uneasy. Helpless. “Do what you can and leave the results up to God.” – said someone really smart.
Back when I first got sober I had a horrible time trying to figure out just how does one turn it over? It was the third step and since the elevator to serenity was broken I had to take the stairs, step by step. How do I give up my worrying and managing to God? That’s what I do: manage, worry, repeat. I think I need a rinse cycle. The best idea I could come up with at the time was flipping pancakes. It was something I could literally turn over. You can bet your Bisquick I did that very thing. I made pancakes. I practiced turning them over and over and over. As a kid I’d make pancakes for myself after school. I’d hover over the pan and wait for the bubbles to form and then pop as to indicate their doneness. Only, I never could wait for the bubbles to pop. Time after time I ruined perfectly good pancakes by manually blowing them out myself and then flipping mush. No bueno. This exercise as an adult helped me to see what it looked like to turn something over and wait for God to determine the results. It looked good.
Today feels like a good day for making pancakes. I have this urge to cry and also to rest easy. I know that God, as I understand that power, loves me. I don’t believe its God’s agenda to hurt me or to punish me. Here are the silver linings: 1) I believe I get to be a sober present Mom who is capable of being there for my baby as he endures what God puts in front of him. 2) My husband is the best Dad ever invented and we are we, so I know we’ll get through this together and come out stronger and closer. 3)We have amazing family & friends who will undoubtedly show up, bring food and play with Otto. (this makes me weepy) So many people LOVE us. And God loves us too. Just like He loves all humans. And in the days and weeks to come we won’t have to do it alone. Even if its night time when everyone is asleep or out getting coffee or I’m just locked in the bathroom- I am never really alone. I can and will be talking to God. Pleading for just a little more peace, just a little bit more strength and a little more courage to walk through the next day. And the little bit will come through. In my experience, it always does.