I turn 4 years old today. I’m growing up. I get sober and WE collectively get healthier. Funny. Odd. Magical. So much about this last year of recovery has been about recovering. Dictionary.com gives this definition of recovering: to regain the strength, composure, balance, or the like, of (oneself). I couldn’t have done that if it hadn’t been for the Good God and you people. You people who love me when I don’t feel lovable. That’s God to me.
I have struggled in ways I never thought I would this last year of sobriety. Isn’t it all supposed to be better now that I don’t drink and smoke pot? I finished the steps 1-12 and their co-existing traditions, aren’t I done ‘working’? And isn’t it time THEY start doing something around here?! What I know to be true for me is that the work will never be done until I’m dead. If growth, depth and freedom are still on the agenda then work I must. Thankfully, it’s not all work and no play. I play a lot. I have laughed more in sobriety than in my whole life. The kind that starts loud and booming and ends in silent weezing and tear wiping. And ‘they’ well, they get to do and be whatever it is they need to and I get to be ok with that and continue to keep the focus where it is best utilized; on ME. I’m all I can change. Dang it. I still don’t like that and it’s still the truth. Acceptance, doesn’t require my approval. And this has afforded me great peace. In accepting people and circumstances as they are I can have the ‘priceless gift of serenity.’ I heard someone say early on it sobriety, ‘would you rather be right or happy?’ Tough question, right? A bunch of tricksters I tell ya’!
Listening to a speaker today in my car named Ellen C. she said, “I get a daily reprieve based on the maintenance of my spiritual condition, not on the condition of my spiritual condition.” I love that. It makes sense to me. The maintenance part is messy and often painful- but its working nonetheless. I
may have days where I cuss at a pair of pants and hide fun-sized candy wrappers in my purse but its so much better to do so in the boat. I feel like I have found the life raft. Its full of people I love, look up to, copy. Its full of meetings and daily readings, phone call and extra long hugs. Text messages. Coffee dates. Comments. You. I want to be right in the middle of the boat as we slosh down the wild waves and bounce around like a bunch of bobble head figurines-together. I could go on and on about the miracles of life- they are tiny moments when I try something different like a new route home or restrain from opening my mouth for the last two cents… However, I have two kids and a Husband who’d like me to come play on this rainy Saturday. So, Thanks for my sobriety. Its a WE thing.