oy vey

I coming to you with my tail between my legs. Today is kinda rough. I’m all up in my head wondering what I’m going to do with my baby Hobbs. Remember how I said he was perfectly healthy? Well, he still is mostly except for he’s always really congested. We use the booger-sucker-outer thing a lot. I go through a couple bottles of saline a month. What should be draining out his nose comes back out his eyes. He’s had this cold thing for about a month now and anti-biotics aren’t cutting it. Saturday he started having a rash, and now his whole body is rashy. And I, well I am scared to death. Am I missing something?! Today I’m considering the gluten free, dairy free diet since he’s still heavily nursing. Yesterday I was considering some other more qualified and intelligent person for the job of ‘Mom’. Whenever Hobbs gets ill, which seems to happen more and more I go into fear mode. I start wondering, “what the hell is God thinking putting such a fragile boy into the arms of such a clutz?” I run into doors. I pick my scabs. I can never spell excersize right. But here we are Hobbs and I. We make quite the pair. Eric is good with all this stuff. He doesn’t have an overload of estrogen pulsating through him. He’s very cool. And totally equipped to be Dad. Could you excuse me while I don’t play it cool for awhile? I’m just doing what I know works for me whenever I do go into fear mode. I practice rigorous honesty, take my butt to a meeting (tonight) and get plenty of food/water/rest. Its that simple folks. For me. Not always easy, but simple. I get to bring my fears to the table today. And yes, they are messy. Sometimes I cause damage in my fear mode and then I get to do this wonderful process of amends making… I may or may not have stormed off to bed last night (eek). It happens.
But wait-there’s more! After I apologize, get to a meeting and have a little R&R I can take up an attitude of glad-i-tude. Though it may feel a little uncomfortable here in the space of unknown health concerns I know I am deeply loved and truly taken care of. Why, just this afternoon I had a friend drop off some coffee and a bag of toys for Otto only he wasn’t here because another friend had come to take him on a spontaneous play date! God’s hands and feet and Starbucks, God bless Starbucks.
I’m gonna go now… both the boys are asleep and there’s a couch beckoning my attention. Thanks for listening and not judging me and my fear mode.

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