no regrets

Q: You know what I never ever ever regret?

A: Fresh herbs. Only lately have I been buying them regularly and it occurred to me that when I do, I don’t regret it.

This is not true for a number of other purchases and or decisions I make. Like, I sometimes regret buying cabbage because I forgot to also get tomatoes and jalapeno and red cabbage and red onion and limes and lemons to make cabbage salsa. Grrr… I don’t really like cabbage otherwise. But Rosemary and Thyme well no matter what I’m making they just make it better. It has that whole marketing spin of making me ‘feel richer.’ However cheap they may seem they feel like a true luxury. Exotic even. I also love how honest they are. You look at the label on the ingredients list and its singular. Just one: Parsley.

Other things I don’t regret. Being me. How humbling it is to realize I am not the most important, beautiful, talented, funny, healthy, spiritual… the point is I’m not the most anything except for I am the most Mery there is. That’s it. That’s all I can be the best at. I tried desperately for years to be the top dog at a whole slew of other things. Some things I tried and was pretty good at other things I tried and failed miserably. A lot of things I won’t ever know until I try again. I remember wanting to quit my first day at Tradewinds coffee shop. It was a 4 hour shift and I was still panicked behind the window trying to keep up- the thought came as it often did, if I’m not going to be the best barista here I’m quitting. Slightly embarrassing to admit what now seems to be immature and silly yet I continued this attitude all the way up to these last few months. Finally the understanding of ‘a worker among workers, a friend among friends,’ resonates as my own truth. I had heard it in passing many times and although I liked the sound of it I’m just now adjusting. Janet would say, “You’ll know you’ve accepted something, once you’ve started adjusting.” I never regret the things I’ve said or things I’ve done when I was acting out of the pure spot that’s completely Mery. If I screw up- I’ll learn.
I just want to share that in the last few weeks I’ve been able to hold conversations send note cards and generally interact with the human population without the committee of “judge judy’s” in my head (stole that one). ‘You should’ve said this,’ ‘Why’d you do that?!’ Silence. For the most part, silence. A taste of freedom- gonna drink it up cup by cup.

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