Reunited

Remember the kiss that followed the first kiss?
There’s still a hint of question, “Should we do that again?”
It can be a little awkward to say the least. For me, I remember a time filled with millions of questions and made up scenarios.
This sorta sums up my time away from merysunshine. I wasn’t sure what my next move was. I “quit” the blog a thousand times in my head. I felt unsure of what my purpose here was. Unsure of my truth. What ‘the unofficial hiatus’ did was to remind me why I do this. I write because when I allow my mind to translate my heart into words, and commas, and one-liners I feel the most like me. I’d like to just sorta share in a nonsensical kinda way what I’ve been thinking feeling and trying on for size.
These two words; I and feel are starting to mean something totally different. Although my feelings aren’t always factual information they are valid. Even though what I’m feeling may seem petty or overly sensitive or (fill-in blank) its’ still mine to own. If I’m free to feel these things I can better know and ultimately love myself. I guess there was always a monkey on my back barking orders on yes that’s acceptable to feel, no, that’s not acceptable to feel-put it down! The monkey might still be back there somewhere, but he’s quieter and feels a little lighter these last few days.
I’ve been experiencing a multitude of emotions the last several weeks. Everything from extreme joy(yoga) to rage(insurance phone calls) to boundless gratitude (my kids). That’s life sometimes. I’ve done what most everybody learns to do at some point and that’s to just hang on and wait it out. Ride the wave and know that it won’t always be like this…applicable to both favored and not-so-favorable conditions. I spent the first part of the ‘riding it out’ phase alone. In my head and separate. I’m one of those people who’d like to call you and tell you all about how I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and got back on the saddle! I don’t want to call and ask for directions! I want to report the news of my findings. Well, after some more investigating its still true, I cannot do it alone. Eventually, I had enough pain that I was willing to do something. I started calling people and started telling the truth. “Hi, I feel like quitting. I’m just calling to say that I’m done.”
This was followed by some loving laughter. Laughter? Yes, good old-fashioned nostril flare n’ laughter. My friend encouraged me with these simple words, “If you were really quitting, you wouldn’t be calling.” Huh? The idea struck an unfamiliar cord. “Just the fact that you’re calling and being honest tells me your working one hell of a program.” She had a point. If I was really done, then why wasn’t I just done? Poof. Off the radar. Done. Truth was, I was fighting.
I’ve been wrestling with my 4th step. This is a vital and crucial step in my process of recovery. It’s perhaps the most feared part too. It’s a personal inventory. Its taking into consideration every instance where there’s an icky feeling left over. But only considering what my part in it was. I don’t get to take yours, and his and hers. (Darn) I was given a suggestion of 3 weeks to complete said 4th step, I’m on week 7 and just nearing the end. Needless to say, I’ve been knee-deep in my resentments. What I’m learning is there’s still hope. People can change. Most importantly, I can change.
To say that I’ve been on vacation from merysunshine would be a sham. You and I both know that now. And really it’s not important what we call it. I’m here now.
I’m beginning to see the light in all this. I’m beginning to value my need for others, their truth and my utter dependence on the God of my understanding.
It says in the Word that “It’s always darkest before the dawn.” I’m awake, heart wide open and ready to let the sun shine in. Thanks for coming back. Together- we can do great things.

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2 thoughts on “Reunited

  1. So glad you’re “back!” you were missed. Keep on standing in you truth, my wise woman, keeper of Light. Your message is important and you speak for many timid voices. Love you, Sandy

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