…as for Hobbs

A small conversation took place in my living room earlier this time last week. I was grateful to have friend and fellow blogger, Libby, creator of Crunchy Peas in my living room. (psst…she’s my bloggn’ icon) It was friendly conversation that brought up some really raw emotions for me. I’m so grateful for her questions. I’m so grateful to know people who are brave.
Sometimes I forget that there’s pieces of myself that are still hurting. I’m still processing the condition of Hobbs’s heart, body and mind. I catch myself in mid conversation- about to erupt. The tears are swelling and like a sudden storm there was no warning. I’d like you to know that. But what I don’t want is for that to scare you. I have to talk about this. I have to write about this. I need practice. I got to do some practicing and I’d like to share it with you.
When Libby asked if I could do it all over again, would I remain with the decision not to test for Down Syndrome. The answer is still a yes for me. Allow me to pause right here and emphasize the for me part. When we talked about the holes in Hobbsy’s heart I described the tenacious muscles he has….how his body simply does not recognize the holes as a ‘problem.’ His body operates as healthy as any other baby his age. This is where I realized I can do this too. Have done this. I operate in the mode of; it doesn’t really matter. Like his heart, I can’t seem to locate the ‘problem’. I love my boy. 10 fingers 10 toes and one extra chromosome. Just one tiny extra chromosome and BOOM your life is completely changed. I know we’ve only just begun. I know there’s going to be times when I’m sad again. Frustrated. Confused. God forbid even pissed off! And that’s alright. I’ll remember what I’ve forgotten in that moment. I’ll dig around in my soul for something strong. I’ll hear Janet’s rebuttal to my “Why Me?!” question.
“Why NOT you, Mery?”
I want to welcome any questions here. Still practicing.

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2 thoughts on “…as for Hobbs

  1. I love you Mery. Thank you for being so open and honest. I was hoping that my questions weren’t too much. And, by the way, I welcome your tears. Anytime. I’m a good hugger. Life is too short to sort of dance around things that we are afraid of isn’t it? We were so blessed by our little visit with all of you. Thank you for allowing us into your cool! Sorry we missed Eric and the froyo hook-up. (I’ll be writing about our visit tomorrow- it’s all queued up!)

  2. My only question would be, how do you get through everyday not knowing if Hobbs will be able to take care of himself when he grows up? The first thing I thought of when I heard about Hobbs condition was, if it was my Tay how could I possibly handle taking care of him my whole life? I know it sounds so selfish, but that’s what I thought. Typing it out is really making me think….See how you teach without even realizing it?

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