keeping score

“More shall be revealed.” A famous line in a not so famous book I keep on my nightstand.
The longer I’m on this journey of recovery and living in the light the more I get to discover. My favorite teacher of all time would put this into food perspective, ‘Its like peeling the layers back of an onion.’ And boy was he right.
Hobbs had school last Friday. During his therapy session with the physical therapist, she described him very lovingly as, tolerant. More than the handouts we received and the exercising we practiced this word tolerate really stuck with me. Apparently, it’s not extremely common for kids like Hobbs to tolerate all the tummy-time and trunk balancing. He continued to try to lift that disproportionate head of his. Sure, he took breaks and vocalized a few figurative ‘darn this is hard’ gurgles…but there was no screaming, shrieking or strong complaints whatsoever. Clearly, he is not my son. There must have been some divine mix-up at the hospital. I am a foot stampin’ whiny baby. I am a rageful silent scorner. Well, at least I can be and have been. Today I know there’s a better way.
It occurs to me that my intolerance has often been my jealousy hidden even to me. Looking back at Eric’s success with LiveNow I realize all too well how much joy I missed out on being jealous that it wasn’t happening to me. This is my formal written apology honey, I’m so sorry. It’s apart of the great lie in my life; I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Especially when I’m constantly comparing what you have to what I don’t. Especially when I come to grips with the fact that the letters; P, h and D will never follow my name. Especially when I take my focus off of what God has for me and what I believe I really deserve. The truth is; I don’t want to go to school for 10 years and work with blood or needles or any of the work it would take. I just want the status of educated, smart and makes-alotta-money. I would like to have a book someday and I know I’ll never achieve that if I continue to feed the great lie. I believe I must first find contentment and happiness with what IS. I must act out what I know in my heart; that I am deeply and wholly loved by a God of my understanding just the way I am. Even on the days where I forget to brush my teeth and Otto watches t.v during breakfast. I am enough.
Thought for the day: Everytime I start to act as if I’m not enough (already) I will stop and give myself a hug. I will remember that there is nothing so powerful as Love and that it’s all mine for the taking if I’ll only stop running from it.
You are loved.

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3 thoughts on “keeping score

  1. you are one of the brightest highlights of my life my lil’ Mer… your writing is so poignant and honest; it always gives me great pause… you have helped me immensely in writing about your journey…. please don’t stop, ever…
    i love and admire you to no end…

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