growth is messy

I took a good hard look at myself in the rearview mirror yesterday before picking up my husband…. Me, myself and I had decided that we would not go fishn’ for compliments or beg for pats on the back.  It was decided that we, me and my many personalities, would indeed just be ok with knowing for ourselves what had been accomplished that day.  Riiiiight. It took no longer than 2 minutes of him being in the car for me to burst into  song and dance about the days performance.  Singing my own praises, “I made two meals today, and cleaned the kitchen, and did two loads of laundry, and took Otto outside for playtime, and gee ain’t I wonderful?!”  Not really word for word but you get it.  I did the very thing I said I wouldn’t do.  Again.  I have heard that seeking ‘validation’ is really another way of seeking power.  In this instance of relationships with myself, my children and my husband I definitely seek the power.  Its to be assumed that in the role of parenting YOU are in fact, in charge.  You’re the President and they are your cabinet of trusted servants.  I mean, if I don’t meal plan, structure Otto’s day and tell my husband how to load the dishwasher, who will?!  And after all this is said and done I wouldn’t mind a little gold star next to my name, thank you very much.

What I am getting to learn today is this; I am the trusted servant.   The one true and ultimate authority is a loving God.  I do not govern.  Garsh darnit.  Do I sincerely need Eric to tell me I’m a good Mother or Wife for me to believe it?  Or, can I know without doubt that I am.  Because today, I did the best I could.  Because today I asked  my loving higher power what He wanted from me, and asked Him for the courage to follow that through.  Its okay for me to be excited about a days worth of accomplishments… To me the fact that I can take care of a child and a household and make meals and still have a little me time on merysunshine is a BIG deal.  Three years ago I couldn’t take care of myself let alone the above so for me-there’s still a WOW factor! As I was explaining all of this to my new friend over coffee, I began to hear her say that I should hold the enthusiasm for myself.  That I don’t have to let go of the excitement I feel, I just need to learn how to not take it personally if others don’t share the same glee over a clean kitchen and folded whites as I do.

Growth is messy.  It doesn’t always look like yesterdays homemade chili, sometimes it looks more like todays dirty dishes in the sink.  Either way the fact that I’m awake today, really awake to this life and all the blessings it has to offer is a miracle.  I love growing up.  I love realizing that I was wrong, and that there’s a way to benefit.  It has been said that pain is the touchstone to all spiritual growth, and for me thats true.  Like an elevator ride, I can choose to take it all the way to the bottom or I can get off when it starts to feel off.  Progress, not perfection will be todays ideal.

Thanks for stopping in.  May God bless you and keep you until we meet again.

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5 thoughts on “growth is messy

  1. You have yet again left my heart warm and happy. I truly love getting to experience a little piece of your growth through this blog of yours. I can literally hear your voice when I read your words and it makes me miss you all the more. But even from all the way across the Pacific, know that I am so proud of you and honored to call you my “soul sister”.

    I keep one of my all time favorite pictures of you up on the cork board that hangs above my desk: the picture of a girl I once knew, back stage at a concert, wearing her signature red lipstick, with cigarette in hand. And then, right next to that is a picture of a woman I know today: curled up on her couch, dawning her beautiful natural features and surrounded by the family that God has gifted her with. They are hardly the same person upon first glance. But upon closer examination, you can see it, especially if you are one of the few who truly knows Mery. There it is…the spark! Whether backstage at a concert (living the sins we’d both later repent for) or on a couch surrounded by family, you are still you. You have grown…but you have not change. That is what I have loved the most about this journey you’ve been on. The spirit of Mery is still there, but she’s rocking a different outfit and singing a different tune. You are an inspiration to me. And that little life of yours is so very far from “little”. It is such an image of God’s love and faithfulness to pursue his children…even the most lost or blackest of sheep. He never gives up on us, even when we do, or the world does. He never goes back on His plans for our lives. The only thing He asks is that we let Him! And you HAVE.

    I appreciate the humility that you are trying to teach yourself-not fishing for compliments or validation for the daily tasks that you accomplish, but don’t forget to celebrate them either! Maybe the world doesn’t need to throw you a party every time the laundry gets immediately folded and put away, rather than picked out of the dryer for a day or two…but God certainly is! There is not one single small or insignificant detail about your life. Even the most minute makes up a portion of the overall masterpiece that God has painted for you. Even if it looks a bit “messy” sometimes:)

  2. Oh Mery, YOU are one of the rays of Sunshine in my life! If we were having one of our brief, get-to-the-point phone calls, all you’d hear right now is sobs & sniffles. And then your friend, Meaghan, so eloquently put my thoughts to font; adding yet more internal reflection on all that God has so graciously gifted me in such a short period of time. Sometimes our accomplishments, especially when we know it is because of our Daddy that we did our deed, we acquired something new or have a new exciting idea, etc…I think its okay to “shout it from the mountain tops”, because it is a testimony, it is something to share especially if we honor & acknowledge that is was only because of God :)

  3. It must run in the family as my sister sent me an email and told me step by step how to go to her blog page, I’m a little slow when it comes to computer stuff yet I own a lap top and have a Droid phone that my boyfriend practly has to tell me step by step on how to operate it anyways, as I was pushing the button to read meets post out of the corner of my eye I saw welcome Kara, I read mery s first paragraph and was excited cuz I though mery had done something for me, well its wasn’t me its her friend Kara not her sister….anyways, I’m guilty!!!!!

  4. I’ve heard it said that the soul does not record time, only spiritual growth. You are having a great growth spurt, my beautiful friend. Love you and miss you, Sandy C

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