careful examination

I started praying this simple prayer about 5 months ago; “Purify my heart.”  I wanted Him to remove every last yucky ugly thing inside me and just turn me inside out.  I had never prayed for such transformation before.  I have prayed many times for patience, compassion, willingness and the like but never before for purification.  I heard it in a bible study and just sort-of adopted it as my own.  I can honestly say I didn’t realize the power behind those words… at the time it seemed simple and honest… I can do simple and honest, I thought been practicing alot the last two years… however, today I swallowed the concept whole.  It was much bigger than I realized.

Let me explain in basic terms.  I have lost some of my joy.  I have become irritable and discontent.  I have started to condemn and judge others based off of nothing more than assumptions and my own mirroring behavior.  I have behaved in the very ways I’ve always despised.  Work seems to be my ‘mission field’ if you will.  Its the place where all my shortcomings come to the surface.  All my yuck on display…  God has definitely been answering my prayer.  I have indeed been questioned on my faith, character and consistency of the two.

I am in the thick of this ‘purification’ process.   I can see how God is truly using all this hardship as a way to show me whats’ really been inside me all along.  I always thought I was different from those very people who offended me, NOPE.  I believed I was better than I really was.. some might just call that hope.. but my hope is not in me, its’ in Him. I have faith that he can restore me to what he intended me to be.  The realization that I am not as ‘good’ as I thought I was comes as humbling awakening to my soul. I need Him.  His grace. His mercy. His Love.
And I need you.  Your prayers and thoughts would be greatly appreciated.  I believe there is power in transparency… I have to or else I’d be completely embarrassed by the things I put on here.  But I find my power in the truth.  In setting free what’s up in my head in the dark out into the open where it can be reached by the light.  Thank you all.

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One thought on “careful examination

  1. ” He not busy being born, is busy dying.”
    – Bob Dylan

    You are who you are by your truth. Your powerful pursuit of transparency, intention and purpose inspires everyone around you.

    Thank you for being exactly who you are. Thank you for such hard work. Thank you for being so “busy”.

    Every morning, every night, you are number one in my prayers. I cherish you little one.

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