Hi I’m Mery, and I always want more.
As a dear friend of mine puts it, “If a little bit of something is good well, then a whole lot is better!” Through and through that is me in a nutshell. Apparently, I am told, this is a popular club of folk and I am not alone. Phew! I was beginning to think I was different, special and totally unique! ( pardon the sassiness, but one must take time to laugh at ones self.) But really though, why is it that intellectually I can understand something and even believe something deep down and still, still go in the opposite direction of that truth. I suppose maybe that’s because I spent so long doing it backwards. I am referring to the notion of being happy, regardless of the circumstances. I recently discovered I have a choice in the matter. Huh? I know, I too was shocked.
Its been a lesson this sick lil’ puppy has spent the last two years reviewing. Along the way I have had some of the most beautiful teachers, some have been brief like fleeting butterflies others have been more like sturdy stones laying the path before me. I tend to get life lessons in themes, these past two weeks I am getting to learn about being content with what I have. Which is in essence the purest form of true happiness. I have everything I need today, yet I still find myself searching out there in the world for satisfaction. Maybe drawing you a mental picture will best assist my message.
Two days ago I was in complete turmoil; there was a mishap with a friend of mine, my baby boy was sick, my brain had a heartbeat, and I was really wanting to get to the gym that day. I was feeling a lot of resentment towards everything and everybody. I know, its terrible but its’ true. If my friend would only…. If my husband would just…. If I got to the gym more often I wouldn’t… If I eat that entire box of graham crackers I might just…… I was having a terrible time with all this STUFF. I found myself crouched on the floor of my kitchen contemplating the box of graham crackers. Nothing was going my way. I wanted to feel different at that very moment. I didn’t like what was going on inside me, and my natural reaction has always been to ingest something to make it go away. So that if only for a moment I can go, ‘ah, that’s better. ‘ This time though, I paused and waited a few moments before inhaling that perfectly packaged brick of golden graham. Boom! Like a flash of lighting it hit me, I was doing with these graham crackers what I used to do with drugs and alcohol. I was using this thing as a means of temporary escape. I saw myself 10 mins. later sick from all that sugar and milk, ’cause I always need milk with my cookies, and it was sad. I wasn’t any happier in my future after the cookie fix, I was even more unhappy for losing my self control and violating my healthy conscious. Then a small voice from within spoke. It whispered quietly and gently. “Ask for help.” So I did.
‘God, could you please help me. I hate the way I feel right now. Help me to find my whole happiness in you, and only you. Thank You for my wonderful husband, our beautiful boy and our warm home. Amen.’
That was it. I broke. I no longer feel resentful, I’m grateful. I’m done being angry, I can have compassion. I’m tired of the cycle that guilt tripping leads me into, no more guilt and shame for me, I am turning it over to the care and protection of something much bigger than I.
the websites a little intense but the message oh so good- enjoy friends.