the compulsion to drink..
the desire to be somebody else…
the problem stuck between my ears..
I am not always all these things all the time, but step by step in a slow and healthy growth I am beginning to feel more and more like a free woman. Celebrating 2 yrs of continued sobriety today. I have so much to be grateful for- an unending supply of unconditional love via Eric, Otto & Taylar, friends who genuinely love and care for me, and a God who says, “It’s ok Mery, I still love you.” In keeping with the transparency of this blog please allow me to ramble.
I have been feeling such a pressure to produce something beautiful and brilliant for you all… I do that… create the problem from within… barricade myself into fear of not being good enough. Allowing myself a few moments in the fear room can be fatal. I start thinking that’s the truth. I start to become my own worst enemy and I’m no longer free- I have heard over and over this past week that guilt is actually pride. What a concept! As the wonderful Alanis Morrissete wrote in 2005’s hit, “Isn’t it Ironic?” Yes, indeed it is. My ego is my pride, it is my low self esteem. I’m either hurting others with my selfishness or hurting myself with selfishness. This little lady yearns for balance. Maybe that’s the ultimate test for me, not go too far one way or the other but just try as best as humanly possible to just be. I am enough for today. I have done what I’ve done, made apologies if needed, and at last I will have some peace…
Thanks so much for letting me ramble… I really needed that. My intention at one point was to share some photos highlighting what was, a truly blessed Christmas but, as you can see there is nothing of the sort. I am still working on my sizing skills and sharing computer time with the hubby makes it a bit more difficult to write as often as I would like. How does one feel so behind, when really we’ve only just begun? Its the 5th of January and already I feel like the white rabbit in Alice’s wonderland. Stick with me friend.. I’ll be back soon.